Fuck! I'm stuffed. I am confused. I don't know what I am going to do... Does it sound omnius? Not really, it's just the usual uncertainty that strikes again. Sometimes I describe myself as a wandering lump of confusion and sometimes that lump takes over completely. It has been building up for at least a few weeks now but I'm still amazed by the force of it. My most pressing concern is that I am no longer sure if I am doing the right thing. Actually I am quite sure that it is not. The problem is that I have no idea of what I should be doing instead. Well, some idea but there is nothing that fits. My choices are more or less endless. All I need to do is somehow getting a grade in Chemistry A, ask for a study leave and start a new programme next semester. But which programme? There are a multitude of factors to consider. First of all; I like Uppsala. I don't want to move to soem other place just because they have a programme I like, I think. There is a programme in Lund that I have thought about before - Brandingenjörsprogrammet- and out of nowhere I get this odd thought that maybe it would be good for me to move away from you guys... Where did that come from!?! Ok, that's too strange to think about, moving on. My other options are Teknisk Fysik and Byggteknik, both located in Uppsala. Then there is always the possibility of combining these somehow. And that's as far as I can push that idea. If I try to go any further I get caught up in an emotional chaos that I don't understand the first bit about.
On top of that I am still in a state of shock after watching McLeod's Daughter's. Every now and then I can think of an event or a moment from this or that episode and out of no where comes this flood of emotion. I have an idea of why that is but non the less it freaks me out. I have never before been that affected by a movie/book/TV-series...
So please, distract me. Make me think of something else. The best thing would be if I could reach some kind of conclusion but I don't think that it is a possibility at the moment. So as I said, distract me!
2 comments:
Um, I don't think you should be freaked out by the thought that it might be good for you to move away from the gang. It might actually.
And I really don't think that you should choose us before education. I can see if it's hard to leave, but staying would be worse, I think. It's about what you want to do with your life. Don't let things that might only last for a moment stand in your way.
Well, whatever happens there will be people there supporting you. I mean, you wouldn't be moving to another planet.
I'm terribly torn between gang-education as well. The idea of it being good to be away from the guys is probably right - when we are together at least I get ridiculously caught within this limited circle of people and stop giving a bloody damned about the rest of the world which cannot in any way be healthy. But it's easy and it's comfortable.
Now I've been "away" from you guys for some time, and while it tears my heart into shreds once every other month or so, there are other things that do that too. A while ago I actually realized how different it is for those of you who didn't quit IB and have been together non-stop.
I've been about to blog about this several times, but it always ended up feeling way to private - not to myself but to all of us. Maybe that says something about how deeply this touches at least me. And gives the reason to why I am very hesitant to studying in Uppsala right now myself.
As for you, the only solace I can give is that I've met a hundred people wringing their hands over what to do next in Ransäter and other places. It's one of today's greatest youth-problem.
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